Niagara: Expensive and not so "Duty Free"

My husband, Tom, and I recently took a trip across New York State to enjoy the Fall foliage while hiking through waterfall parks and gorges, ending our trip at Niagara Falls in Ontario, Canada.  What a tourist trap!  We no sooner arrived in Niagara on the American side when some guy on a street corner waving a flag directed us into a parking lot where we were then directed into a visitor's center and talked onto a bus tour of the Falls for $140.00.  Within 10 minutes of arriving, we were aboard the bus and on our way to all the hotspots.  If it wasn't worth the money, though, it would have been a total scam, but it was actually well organized, orchestrated and we enjoyed the sites, which included:  getting aboard the famous Maid of the Mist; climbing the steps up the Falls and getting completely drenched; visiting the Whirlpool Basin from the overlook rim of Niagara Falls Park; a brief visit at a storefront museum to see the barrels used by some to go over the Falls; and walking across the pedestrian bridges to Three Sisters Island, all within a 3 hour tour.  We could have also enjoyed the observation tower, but we skipped that.  They said we'd spend a total of 12 minutes on the bus and that was pretty accurate, we were on an adventure for most of the time and didn't have to deal with getting lost or wandering around in circles, which we usually end up doing.  We weren't rushed through the sites, either, allowing sufficient time to take in the views and take pictures.

So, having done all of that, we then jumped back into our SUV and drove across to Ontario to our hotel.  Tom noticed a large sign "Duty Free" and commented he'd like to check that out before leaving Canada.  Less than ten minutes in the country, Tom made at least 3 illegal turns, cut off one New York tourist, and entered some lot through an exit.  I laughed that he hadn't been in the country long before he'd broken half the laws and was approaching criminal status before turning over the keys to the valet at our hotel which overlooked Horseshoe Falls and a view of the American Falls.

Almost immediately, we were struck by the cost of everything which we learned did not include the 16% tax.  So, a bottle of water in our room at $6.50 was actually far more.  The tram ride down to the hill to the waterfront was another $5.00 per person.  (Note to reader: If you are staying across from Horseshoe Falls, walk down Murray Street to Niagara Parkway/River Road and walk along waterfront.  On the way back to your hotel, take the tram for $5.00 back up.  You'll thank me later, even with the 16% tax added in.  Walk where you can, parking is neither free nor convenient anywhere you want to go and the hotels are a steep climb from the waterfront area.)

There are plenty of restaurants in the area, steakhouses being very popular, including two Brazilian steakhouses within a block of each other.  Unfortunately, by nightfall of our first day, my husband succumbed to the horrible headcold he was denying he had and we decided to eat the hearty salad we had smuggled into the country in a cooler in the back of our SUV, opening a can of tuna to mix in with it.  I finished off a bottle of wine I had opened a day earlier and he finished off the last two beers from a six pack he'd bought earlier in the week.  Cheers!  We toasted to the Falls which lay before us from the 15th floor of our hotel.  The view was spectacular and we chuckled about how the perfectly manicured waterfront and park area resembled a miniature trainset, less the trains. 

The following morning, we awoke to a fabulous sunrise just below the storm clouds from the N'or Easter hugging the Eastern shores.  While it rained all day, it didn't interfere with our plans as we'd done most of the Falls adventures we were interested in the day before (at American prices).  We chose to visit the nearby Butterfly Conservatory.  Well, I chose to visit it, my husband rolled his eyes about it quite a bit.  First, however, we drove over to the All You Can Eat Breakfast Buffet for $6.99 per person.  I'm not sure what happened after that.  We each filled our plate once, each had a coffee and a glass of orange juice and the bill came to $23.00.  Thankfully, I stuffed two hard boiled eggs into my purse with a handful of half n half containers "for later."  We're not cheap by any means, but we were being practical.  Life on the road will do that.  This was our third road trip in five months time.  We were getting good at things. (Before our next road trip, I will remember to hard boil a bunch of eggs for keeping in the cooler.  They come in handy as a quick protein source, or a quick breakfast or, if you remember the mayo and bread, you've got yourself a sandwich for lunch!)

Onward to the Butterfly Conservatory which appears to share the same real estate with the Botannical Gardens.  Had it been another time of the year and not raining, I would have delighted in a stroll through the lovely and perfectly manicured grounds.  The conservatory, while smaller than I expected, was an amazing experience and we both enjoyed it.  I had to laugh because while seemingly uninterested initially, Tom quickly became engrossed in chasing after some large, blue, but elusive butterfly species when I gave him one of our two cameras.  It was both exhausting and frustrating chasing the "Blue Ones" which we were told were very active on overcast days and rarely stopped flight.  Eventually, we gave up and I took my husband back to the hotel when it became clear he needed a serious nap.

We didn't venture out again except to seek out some chicken noodle soup.  That turned out to be a challenge because he didn't want to pay crazy prices for a dinner that he wouldn't be able to taste or enjoy, nor did he want to pay outrageous prices for room service (plus 16% tax).  The nearby Appleby's ran out of their chicken noodle soup and TGI Fridays wasn't offering any.  Eventually we found some at Quiznos and overpaid for sandwiches and soup before heading back to our hotel room.  I desperately wanted to eat at the Brazilian Steakhouse, but being my husband didn't have much of an appetite, that seemed foolish.  He took to the bed immediately until his fever broke sometime in the middle of the night.

The following morning, the sun came up to reveal a sunny day.  We ate our stolen hard-boiled eggs, made some room coffee with the half and half I'd swiped and each had a Nutrigrain bar while we packed up for our long trip back to New Jersey.  Before leaving Canada, we took a lovely walk through a nearby park on the backend of Horseshoe Falls. Tom wanted to stop at the Duty Free building just before the Rainbow Bridge crossing into the United States, but ultimately did not when he couldn't find the entrance and continued on to the border where we were pulled out of our car for a random check at customs.  I told my husband they were going to strip search us for any stolen eggs that we might be smuggling into the States.  Actually, however, because of an outstanding protective order still in effect from my previous marriage, we were held at the border pending confirmation that Tom was not smuggling me across the border against my will.

While sitting on the bench waiting, with my husband becoming extremely aggravated, especially in view of the fact that he did not feel well and had a very long drive ahead of him, I suddenly realized he smelled like shit, dog shit that is.  I looked down at his shoe and said, "Omigod, I think you stepped in dogshit."  He looked at the bottom of his shoe, "No, it's just mud" and swiped at it with his finger and we were both overwhelmed by the smell of dog feces.  I burst out laughing as he flung dog crap all over the floor with his finger before they called to us and told us we could go.  I don't know if it was because I was clearly having a good time that I could not possibly be under any duress or because he smelled like dog crap that they let us leave without any further questions, but before leaving, he went upstairs to the bathroom to clean off his shoe.  For the next two hours, I fought back fits of laughter over the whole incident.  My husband, however, was not amused in the slightest, bitching about Osama bin Laden inconveniencing us, bitching about my former husband and in no time at all we were in a full blown argument when I told him to just "get over it" and not be so worked up over things, "It is what it is.  It's a story for the grandkids one day."  In the midst of the argument, he also managed to miss the exit we were supposed to take which only infuriated him more.  So, the fact I couldn't stop laughing only served to annoy him more, and the more annoyed he became, the more hysterical I found the situation.  It was sort of like trying not to laugh at a funeral and made the next few hours in the car difficult.  We were clearly not on the same road emotionally.  At one point, I mentioned that "Niagara is usually where many people start their marriages, not end them."  I also told him, "You know, it doesn't serve well to act like an asshole at customs when you're suspected of kidnapping."  He growled at me and I bit my lip hard to not bust out laughing again.

Eventually, we stopped roadside somewhere in New York State for a hearty brunch that totalled $14.86, with tax, and a smirk began to emerge on his lips.  "Now that's more like it" muttered my husband.  I knew that once he felt better, he'd eventually laugh about flinging the dog shit all over the customs office.

In the car another hour later, I said, "So. . too bad you didn't stop at the Duty Free after all. . . maybe you could've cleaned the crap off your shoe so you would have been truly 'doody free', huh?" 

He looked at me and laughed and for a few minutes, he drove with a smile on his face.